Recap: We meet the narrator in a physiatrist hospital. The narrator is suffering from a delusional disorder. He claims to be a demi-god who has walked the earth since the beginning of time looking for his wife. The narrator seeks forgiveness from his daughter for abandoning her.
Fucking & Punching
I hope you are well. I am a little gloomy today.
They have put me on a new regime of pills. Supposedly, it should make me feel less blue. However, suppositions and facts are mostly poles apart.
The doctors surely hope to find out what is wrong with me.
Hope is a strong emotion. It drives all men and women equally. Hope is also a deadly epidemic. The one which has plagued humankind since millennials. We are always hopeful of something good to come our way. This hope clouds our judgment and boosts a false belief in a concept called happiness.
Even if a tiny shred of my genes got passed over to you, I am sure you are doomed in terms of hope. People like me, and you try not to cling to false concepts of happiness. Knowing the truth irreversibly alters the way you experience life.
I wasn’t always like this. I have my reasons for cynicism. You, I hope, don’t have many reasons apart from clumsy parental genes.
A question that haunted me for ages was, why do we expect things to change?
There is inherent programming that forces us to quantify experiences as good and evil. Nietzsche and I spent quite a few years arguing about good and evil. We couldn’t agree on anything. In the end he penned ‘Beyond Good and Evil’ and we parted ways.
We all are caught up in our faulty internal narrative that we deserve so much better. My question always to the gods was, ‘what makes humankind so special?’
To me, the animal and the plant kind were more sacred than the humans. At least they were always straight with their intentions. They didn’t fool around like people. I always respected the objectivity of other life forms than your kind, especially the female kind.
In my years of experience, the female kind is somewhat confused. The women folk when meet a man, their biochemical systems analyze the worthiness of the man in terms of how fit the specimen will be for making babies. It is a basic computation. Then they brand all of this as a cosmic affair and cloud their calculations with huge false terms such as love, affection and dedication, not realizing that the assessment is temporary.
Sooner or later, the man will either move up the social hierarchy or collapse. In both the cases the person will change. In such an event, the womenfolk start developing hatred and resentment for their lovers, spouses, and partners. That is what has resulted in the failure of the family in modern times.
In the medieval times things were simpler. The relationship between man and a woman was above the fundamental biochemical reactions. Men and women realized that they are together to build a family and one needs mutual respect to do so.
Now all they do is: fucking and punching.
And I am not biased.
I did speak to the gods about this disparity, and they had a persuasive answer.
I discussed this with Krishna once he had attained divine status. Krishna was very popular with the womenfolk. He explained it very clearly. Krishna said that men were incomplete without women. The whole reason men were kicked out from the garden of Eden was so they could be more responsible and dedicate themselves to taking care of the womenfolk. Indisputably then, women were made more intelligent in terms of emotions.
However, with time as the female kind realized that even the best men are no match to them in the longer run, the dynamic crumbled. Now, all we do is wait for a perfect person to be disappointed in us so that we could be in constant pain all the time.
Here comes the irony: if the pain is all we seek, it is our default state.
Why think about happiness and delude ourselves in believing that there is a greater purpose!
How about we make peace with the fact that life is inherently shit, and we will have no one to love us in the end.
I am glad I still can love you.
I was important to your mother for some time, and she graciously allowed me to love her. All the love, which she termed as manipulation in the end.
Isn’t all love manipulation by default?
What is love, daughter? I ask you, what is love?
I want to be near you. I want to hold you. If this is love, then so is this manipulation. If tomorrow you say you hate me, I will try and convince you of my good qualities or plead or beg.
Isn’t all of this manipulation. Or is this love?
Please help me understand.
If I considered your mother the most beautiful person at the moment, was I lying?
I know I wasn’t because I still feel the same for her despite all the unfortunate things that happen in a relationship.
If your mother said she loved me when she wanted me around and didn’t love me when she gave up, then what is that. Isn’t that a manipulation?
What did she love then if she ever did? Did she love a false image of me which she had created and started hating me when I didn’t live up to the idea? How could this be love?
Isn’t all love just manipulation and all compliments lies.
Ain’t we all liars and aren’t lovers the biggest liars?
However, dear daughter, my love for you is true. It is the absolute truth.
I hope someday you will agree with me. Till then, don’t fall for someone. Yes, you deserve love, but sadly, if you have my genes, you are doomed. You will never find love.
We are meant to walk the earth looking for something non-existent. That is our curse. You and I will always be unloved.
I can still love you, and you can still love me. But then again, our love, isn’t that too manipulation. Maybe your old man wants to be with you and is so desperate that he will say and do anything! Couldn’t this also be a possibility?
Please don’t label me confused. Label me curious. Been a long time, still, I am looking for the basic answers, The answers to questions which your mother never thought were important to ask.
Dear daughter, I hope you get to read this someday and forgive this old man for being a terrible father.